*How does one mourn a friend? Lara’s funeral is on Friday. It’s been a long week for me and I am still
confused. My somehow scheduled and
organize life has gone berserk, since the day I found the neigbourhood gathered
in front of our house. Right in the midst of the confusion, our popular
grapevine, the woman beside everybody’s house was able to share the story with
much breaking news dexterity “they said
she just had her bath and she tripped and fell down their expensive staircase”.
That was our popular grapevine side to
the story; she was always the first on the scene and no one has ever tried to
beat her to it.
But I knew that wasn't the story, I can bet my life that the story was different. So I rushed to
their apartment to ascertain if my friend and only neighbour; the landlord’s
wife was truly dead.
I met Tade, the deceased husband in tears. Our eyes met, he looked down to look up again
and confirm that my friend had truly died amidst tears and a bout of vigorous
head shaking. Lara couldn't be dead; I looked around and my eyes went to where
we sat two days ago analyzing the movie we watched about abuse. Lara couldn't be dead, even if she was dead; her death was too cheap. Lara whose face is a picture
of every child’s innocence and whose friendship had come to mean a lot to me.
I felt her
death was too cheap. With this conclusion I decided to take control of
everything amidst my anger, pain, confusion and annoyance at the deceased whose
corpse had been taking to the mortuary after the unfortunate incidence. I waited till the mourners left, and took Lara’s
children to our flat. I bathe them and
as much as I would have loved to be the CIA, I waited till they finished their food.
Kishi, the first child played around with his food. I believe that was expected
considering the circumstances.
But Simi, just about 5 years old has always been the chatter
–box, and she eat and talked at the same time without any idea of what was
going on.
After her food and a little Ben Ten Series, I took
them to the children’s room to rest. I knew Kishi was attached to his mum and
would understand a bit of what had happened so I allowed him to sleep as he was
not ready to talk to anybody. So I went to sit beside Simi’s bed and asked quietly
“Simi did you see mummy fall”.
She nodded then went on to narrate the event of the
day from the time they woke up, I couldn't stop saying “and then what happened”
till she got to the news and right before it she yawned. I knew from experience
what that meant and intuitively brought out my I-phone and opened to the content
which never stopped to amaze her.
And quietly she said. ‘’Daddy slapped and push mummy
at the top of the staircase and she hit her head on the wall, mummy tripped and
fell down, then she slept.
I felt cold. It was a cheap death, because two month
to this event, we both laughed over this possibility and she said Tade was a
very good and noble man and would never do such.
His beatings had become a ritual, yet no one knew. Not
even us the neighbour, until Lara told me. He was very discreet, very cheerful
and conservative; the man who conserve all his energy and aptitude to beating
his wife.
They were a wonderful couple, everywhere. He was a
wonderful husband as we saw. A good father and a good landlord who at one time
I had drawn comparison with, to the amazement of my husband who said he could
see beyond his extra cool facade. Tade was an epitome of a good man in every
area, yet he was a wife beater.
Is it possible to understand a dangerous situation
and yet live with it, by it and for it? That was Lara. She lived with it and
died by it. No one can understand why
some women don’t leave. Not because they don’t want to, but they believe they
just couldn't.
In Lara’s case I believe she had the idea that it
was bad to leave her husband. Yet I couldn't understand why it wasn't bad that
he was beating her. She was culturally wired to believe that, what she has
worked for all these years will go down the drain if she walked out.
Psychotic? Isn't it?
But maybe not psychotic if you believe a lion would cut
his claws and run back to your arms crying “please don’t wound me”.
I wonder why some women refuse to see the obvious,
yet they could analyse it if it happened to another woman. I also wonder why
abuse and violence is constructed to be the fault of the woman. How many times
have we seen raw violence from a man to a woman or a woman to a man and we
laugh it off as one of life’s occurrences. Or we say “There must be something
wrong with her. She must have a tongue
as sharp as the devil too.
Women die, lay bruised, and get abused everyday by
their partner; because she never walked away nor report the incidence. Not only in marriages but it also happens in
relationships. I remember sharing with Lara about my sister who condoned a walk-in
and out relationship because she believed she loved the man. Abuse is not necessarily
when a man lays his hand on you; abuse is also when he abandons you in a relationship,
walk out on you and believe he can walk in again. Even if he holds the magic wand,
must he misuse it? Abuse is when he
impregnates you and walk out , then come back again to see if it’s has been
taking care of so that he can pick up from where he stopped .
It is delirious that at this age of civilization things like this happen. Even your boss with a razor tongue has never seen the back of your hand so why should your wife.
Maybe she could, may she couldn't, maybe she feared
to, but all in all there is a fear of the unknown which paralyses whatever action
an abused person may want to take, because they are never sure if the abuse
would simply end by their walking away.
Terrible!
Lara had a good degree, she knew and must have discussed during her
days in the university that she will never condone violence or abuse on women. However,
when it came to her, she could not leave. She put her degree aside, and thought
more of her social disgrace and alienation until she landed herself in the
grave.
One of the things we believe,
which is very detrimental to our safety, as women is that we make everything
look easy, and our culture and society has dictated some uncouth ideologies
about sufferance in marriage , abuse or domestic violence in marriage as a woman’s
cross. We are wired to think we should be the perfect woman, mother, and daughter,
beautiful and make everything look easy. We try to balance everything, a little
pain here a little pain there. Yet it is not simple. Bottling anger,
oppression, abuse, and misuse should not be easy.
Yes, Lara had a good degree, but it became worthless
the minute it had no voice, because her voice the voice of her knowledge must
have told her the expected result. “What if I die?”, she should have asked. He may marry again; even at marriage the
children are still orphans because you can never be sure of the treatment meted
to them .We are not only orphans by some circumstances but we are also orphans
by the choices we make and the ones we refuse to make.
When we talk about
crimes committed against the defenseless, domestic violence against women, the children, do we really talk about
the impact it has on generation. Every
day, women are being mugged on the streets, sexually assaulted, harassed, date-raped,
beaten and killed by their partners and for
some reasons we accept it. We accept slaps, the bruise, the knife cut, the
knife wounds the blow we see on their faces, as the pains of matrimony. Lurking behind the perfect portrait of marital bliss can be a license
holder of marital torture and rape.
In my own case I believe telling her to get out was
not enough. I should have done better .This is not a guilt trip, but I should
have done better. I have never been hit by a man, just like some of us, not
because we don’t have a razor sharp tongue or temperament to hurt the devil
himself, but because we are just the lucky ones, and because they are the good
ones. Even the docile without a razor tongue are still hit, so I deduce it is
not a temperament issue. It is worse than that. I have heard stories of the
"wonderful-man-beater-chocolate and flower bringer". What is the impact
on the children that happened to see all these? Kishi refuse to talk about the
death of his mother, Simisola kept asking when mummy will come. But give or
take 2 years she may forget about her whereabouts and remember a mother that once
cared. Will Kishi take after his father?
It is tucked down their memory, will they do it? Won’t they do it? Only God can
tell the effect of that which they saw.
Lara , am sorry
I didn't go to the police with
your story, even though you told me you
would deny it .
I am sorry that I didn't involve a higher authority. If I have confronted your husband, wouldn't it
have been worse than this. I am sorry.
Despite cries,
campaigns, injunctions, laws, violence still continues all around the world. Somewhere, somehow a voice is crying over a recently lost
loved one who was murdered and silenced by an intimate partner.
This isn't just women’s issue. Women,
children and men have the human right to be safe in their own homes. As Abraham
Lincoln once said “The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people.”
Lara I am sorry he
finally killed you, much more am sorry he killed the little angel you carried
within you. Her sojourn was just 12 weeks and four days when she snuggled down
the abyss of her father’s violence. Adieu Lara.
As we mark yet another
day for the elimination of violence against women all over the world, I hope we will be concerned to give more than a little thought
to the bruises we have seen, the silent cries we have heard for help around us
and help to stop the indiscriminate violence against the defenseless and
against women around us.
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